Tag: Parenting

A Letter To The Mother of A Divorced Child

Dear Mom,

I know right now it is easier for you to be angry, to hate the spouse who broke your child. Maybe it is easier for you to spew venom and be hateful to that person, man or woman. So, even when the kids are around, you make comments to your child such as; “I never liked that man/woman anyway”. Maybe you try to slowly corrode the feelings your grandchildren have for their mother/father. Tell them bad things about that parent, things that have already been apologized for and forgotten by the young children. Reminding them in hopes that they will cling to your child more and hate the other parent. And, your grown child, out of some sense of loyalty follows in your footsteps. They begin to badmouth the other parent, both subtly and outright, in an attempt to alienate the other parent. Thinking that, because their perfect mother is doing it, it can’t be wrong.

But it is. It is wrong. And it isn’t helping. It isn’t helping you, and it isn’t helping your child. You think that badgering your grandchild until they say what you want to hear is going to help you, to make them love you more? Have you really thought it out or have you just allowed hate and anger to take over your life? Because now, now your grandchildren do not want to be with you as much. They are scared that you are going to badmouth their mother/father again. That you are going to try to make them say bad things about a parent they love. All because you hate that person. All because you want to make that person suffer. To feel the pain that you imagine your child felt when the word Divorce was mentioned.

But since when are the good things in life the easiest things in life? Is it easy to get through abuse? Is it easy to quit an addiction? Is it easy to go against the grain after something you want, even when everyone in the world is telling you it is impossible? No. It isn’t easy. Just like it isn’t easy to forgive and show grace and love when all you want to do is lash out.

If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, you need to do what is hard. Stop badmouthing. Stop making excuses for your child and refusing to believe the truth. Stop enabling them. Start making a difference. Start showing grace, love, compassion, and hope for a future. A future where both parents co-parent without the fear of being hated by their children for something a grandparent said.

Why? Because there is something you don’t know. Something that the children do know because they witnessed it. They lived with it. They know the true reason for the divorce without ever being told by anyone. They saw what happened. Maybe they even tried to protect one parent from the other. Maybe your child is the innocent party, and maybe your child is less innocent. Instead of believing the very first thing you are told, you need to dig deeper for the truth.

Maybe your child has an addiction they are unwilling to divulge because they don’t want you to think differently of them. Maybe that addiction caused them to not work, to be abusive, to slide into a depression. Maybe the other person had to make a decision for the good of the children, your grandchildren. Even if it broke their heart too. Maybe the other person is the one with the addiction. Maybe your anger is founded and maybe it isn’t. It has been said many times “There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth. And no one is lying. Memories shared serve each differently.” -Robert Evans.

One thing is for sure, both sides are hurting. Both parties of the divorce are dealing with things their own way. One might be pushing through life and doing well, keeping things together for the sake of their children. The other might be drinking heavily, unable to keep work, unable to make it on their own. Maybe it is your child who is outwardly suffering and it makes you angry. What you don’t know is that the other parent suffers too, it is just hidden inside for them to deal with alone.

I know it is hard to forgive and let go. I know your first instinct is to protect your child. But your grandchildren, they are the future. They are the ones who suffer the most. Are you going to increase their suffering, or are you going to show them that love is the answer? Are you going to show them that anger and hatred are easier? Or are you going to show them that the hard things are more rewarding?

Sometimes putting a grandchild before your own child is for the best. Sometimes this shows your child that their child is more important than the pain, anger, hopelessness, hatred, and negativity. Our jobs as mothers are never done and I pray that I never forget that sometimes what is best for my children is not my first instinct.

Children of Divorce

I think sometimes parents forget that their actions have consequences, and those consequences usually affect the children more than the parents themselves.

I’m not saying that parents should never get divorced. There are always extenuating circumstances that can make divorce the best option. For instance; if the children are being exposed to things they should not be, then it may be time to go your separate ways. This could range from drugs to alcohol abuse to physical or emotional abuse.

If a spouse is abusive in any way toward you, chances are they are also abusive to the children. If you are getting yelled at and your children come out of their room to tell your spouse not to yell at their “mommy” or “daddy” and then they get yelled at for trying to protect you, it may be time to run (or walk away). Sometimes these habits get so ingrained in the abuser that they rarely recognize they are doing it. And if you call them on it, they will deny it. Mainly because they got away with it for so long, they don’t see it is a problem.

Sometimes they witnessed worse abuse as a child and they are convinced that it is not abuse until it reaches the level they witnessed. If you hear “if you want to know what real abuse is, talk to _______”, chances are they won’t ever see their abuse and this means they will probably never change.

Now, if you have already gotten through the divorce, you may think the hard part is over. With an abuser it is never over. And, worse, if custody is shared, the child will face different scenarios that you could never imagine.

  1. One parent (or their family) is constantly either badmouthing you or trying to convince your children there is something wrong with you. Telling them that you never do anything with them, or you don’t do enough. Trying to get them to say something bad about you, even if the child is brow-beaten so much that they finally say what the other parent wants them to say.
  2. They are being subjected to the unsavory friends that the other parent brings around. They are around constant drinking and drug use. These friends may only come over to drink and smoke weed or whatever the other parent is into. And if the children aren’t watching it, they are being forced to take a four-hour nap or something to keep them from seeing it. (Newsflash they DO see it whether or not precautions are taken.)

There are many more scenarios. These are only two of the serious situations they may face. And maybe you don’t see these as serious, but the impacts on the children could be very serious.

You may see changes in your children, from severe sadness to over the top anger to a standoff-ish nature. Maybe your child begs to not go to the other parent’s house. Maybe your child acts out more than they did before. Sometimes it is easy to blame the situation and look past the behavior instead of delving into the why. As parents it is time for us to step up and quit ignoring the signs that something is seriously wrong.

Maybe divorce was the best thing for you. If it got you out of a bad situation, that is fantastic. If it has torn you apart, I’m truly sorry. Either way it is time to put the children first in everything they need. Whether it be emotional support or for you to actually stop and listen. Put the phone down. Put the hatred for the other parent aside. Listen. Really listen, to what your children have to say. It could be the difference between them pulling through this divorce, or continuously getting caught in the crossfire.

What are your experiences?