Author: Sheree Cooner

A Letter To The Mother of A Divorced Child

Dear Mom,

I know right now it is easier for you to be angry, to hate the spouse who broke your child. Maybe it is easier for you to spew venom and be hateful to that person, man or woman. So, even when the kids are around, you make comments to your child such as; “I never liked that man/woman anyway”. Maybe you try to slowly corrode the feelings your grandchildren have for their mother/father. Tell them bad things about that parent, things that have already been apologized for and forgotten by the young children. Reminding them in hopes that they will cling to your child more and hate the other parent. And, your grown child, out of some sense of loyalty follows in your footsteps. They begin to badmouth the other parent, both subtly and outright, in an attempt to alienate the other parent. Thinking that, because their perfect mother is doing it, it can’t be wrong.

But it is. It is wrong. And it isn’t helping. It isn’t helping you, and it isn’t helping your child. You think that badgering your grandchild until they say what you want to hear is going to help you, to make them love you more? Have you really thought it out or have you just allowed hate and anger to take over your life? Because now, now your grandchildren do not want to be with you as much. They are scared that you are going to badmouth their mother/father again. That you are going to try to make them say bad things about a parent they love. All because you hate that person. All because you want to make that person suffer. To feel the pain that you imagine your child felt when the word Divorce was mentioned.

But since when are the good things in life the easiest things in life? Is it easy to get through abuse? Is it easy to quit an addiction? Is it easy to go against the grain after something you want, even when everyone in the world is telling you it is impossible? No. It isn’t easy. Just like it isn’t easy to forgive and show grace and love when all you want to do is lash out.

If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, you need to do what is hard. Stop badmouthing. Stop making excuses for your child and refusing to believe the truth. Stop enabling them. Start making a difference. Start showing grace, love, compassion, and hope for a future. A future where both parents co-parent without the fear of being hated by their children for something a grandparent said.

Why? Because there is something you don’t know. Something that the children do know because they witnessed it. They lived with it. They know the true reason for the divorce without ever being told by anyone. They saw what happened. Maybe they even tried to protect one parent from the other. Maybe your child is the innocent party, and maybe your child is less innocent. Instead of believing the very first thing you are told, you need to dig deeper for the truth.

Maybe your child has an addiction they are unwilling to divulge because they don’t want you to think differently of them. Maybe that addiction caused them to not work, to be abusive, to slide into a depression. Maybe the other person had to make a decision for the good of the children, your grandchildren. Even if it broke their heart too. Maybe the other person is the one with the addiction. Maybe your anger is founded and maybe it isn’t. It has been said many times “There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth. And no one is lying. Memories shared serve each differently.” -Robert Evans.

One thing is for sure, both sides are hurting. Both parties of the divorce are dealing with things their own way. One might be pushing through life and doing well, keeping things together for the sake of their children. The other might be drinking heavily, unable to keep work, unable to make it on their own. Maybe it is your child who is outwardly suffering and it makes you angry. What you don’t know is that the other parent suffers too, it is just hidden inside for them to deal with alone.

I know it is hard to forgive and let go. I know your first instinct is to protect your child. But your grandchildren, they are the future. They are the ones who suffer the most. Are you going to increase their suffering, or are you going to show them that love is the answer? Are you going to show them that anger and hatred are easier? Or are you going to show them that the hard things are more rewarding?

Sometimes putting a grandchild before your own child is for the best. Sometimes this shows your child that their child is more important than the pain, anger, hopelessness, hatred, and negativity. Our jobs as mothers are never done and I pray that I never forget that sometimes what is best for my children is not my first instinct.

Children of Divorce

I think sometimes parents forget that their actions have consequences, and those consequences usually affect the children more than the parents themselves.

I’m not saying that parents should never get divorced. There are always extenuating circumstances that can make divorce the best option. For instance; if the children are being exposed to things they should not be, then it may be time to go your separate ways. This could range from drugs to alcohol abuse to physical or emotional abuse.

If a spouse is abusive in any way toward you, chances are they are also abusive to the children. If you are getting yelled at and your children come out of their room to tell your spouse not to yell at their “mommy” or “daddy” and then they get yelled at for trying to protect you, it may be time to run (or walk away). Sometimes these habits get so ingrained in the abuser that they rarely recognize they are doing it. And if you call them on it, they will deny it. Mainly because they got away with it for so long, they don’t see it is a problem.

Sometimes they witnessed worse abuse as a child and they are convinced that it is not abuse until it reaches the level they witnessed. If you hear “if you want to know what real abuse is, talk to _______”, chances are they won’t ever see their abuse and this means they will probably never change.

Now, if you have already gotten through the divorce, you may think the hard part is over. With an abuser it is never over. And, worse, if custody is shared, the child will face different scenarios that you could never imagine.

  1. One parent (or their family) is constantly either badmouthing you or trying to convince your children there is something wrong with you. Telling them that you never do anything with them, or you don’t do enough. Trying to get them to say something bad about you, even if the child is brow-beaten so much that they finally say what the other parent wants them to say.
  2. They are being subjected to the unsavory friends that the other parent brings around. They are around constant drinking and drug use. These friends may only come over to drink and smoke weed or whatever the other parent is into. And if the children aren’t watching it, they are being forced to take a four-hour nap or something to keep them from seeing it. (Newsflash they DO see it whether or not precautions are taken.)

There are many more scenarios. These are only two of the serious situations they may face. And maybe you don’t see these as serious, but the impacts on the children could be very serious.

You may see changes in your children, from severe sadness to over the top anger to a standoff-ish nature. Maybe your child begs to not go to the other parent’s house. Maybe your child acts out more than they did before. Sometimes it is easy to blame the situation and look past the behavior instead of delving into the why. As parents it is time for us to step up and quit ignoring the signs that something is seriously wrong.

Maybe divorce was the best thing for you. If it got you out of a bad situation, that is fantastic. If it has torn you apart, I’m truly sorry. Either way it is time to put the children first in everything they need. Whether it be emotional support or for you to actually stop and listen. Put the phone down. Put the hatred for the other parent aside. Listen. Really listen, to what your children have to say. It could be the difference between them pulling through this divorce, or continuously getting caught in the crossfire.

What are your experiences?

Common Courtesy

Sometimes it is easy to say “I wouldn’t handle this situation the way you are handling it, this is what should be done.” Does it mean you need to say it? Does it make it okay to belittle someone for asking advice? I’m going to give an example of this:

There are some pet groups on Facebook, meant to help you when your pet is lost or help you find homes for pets you are no longer able to keep. In these groups it is not uncommon for  pet owners (or pet parents) to post photos of their pet, and any ailments they may have, looking for advice. Sometimes they are hoping for someone to tell them it isn’t serious and here is what you should do. Sometimes they are looking for help paying their vet bill. All of us need some help every now and then, right?

So one particular pet group had someone post in it today looking for advice on how to care for a spot on their pet that was oozing. There were many people offering advice, offering experience, and offering help. Sounds amazing, doesn’t it? A group of people from many different walks of life coming together to help someone.

Then you get people like Miss B. Her last name really starts with a B, I didn’t say that for sarcastic purposes. She decides to make a completely separate post:

“How many of us think of our pets as our children? All of us. We never post pics of our human children oozing, bloody, swollen, broke, fever, or anything else and asking ‘what is it or what do I do’ we just load up and go to Dr or ER right, well here is an idea do the same for your fur babies people just take that baby to the vet, they could be in extreme pain or it could be very serious.”

This was copied directly, I have kept the punctuation as is to avoid butchering her post, so I am not responsible for errors. While I do cringe when bad grammar and punctuation is used, I wanted to leave this to further make my point.

First of all, I would like to say that it is okay to have your own opinion. That does not mean that we should always voice said opinion. Belittling someone for needing help is not going to help them, and I am sure it did absolutely no real good to you either. Second of all, is it truly necessary to be so condescending? Not everyone has the option to take their furbabies to the vet. Not everyone feels the way you do either, though the first reply to this lady’s post was agreement:

“But that would be way too obvious and make too much sense!” -Miss H.

Okay. If you say so. Again I would like to point out that not everyone has the options you do. Not everyone has the ability to just take their pet to the vet for everything. Not to mention, if my child scraped her arm (providing it isn’t showing bone), most likely I am going to just doctor it at home. And maybe someone else might have a home remedy they like to use on scrapes, such as aloe vera from their very own plant. Maybe this person wouldn’t mind giving me some of that aloe vera to help me doctor my daughter. Not every affliction is an emergency.

When one person decided to take the defensive it was met with more condescension:

“It is so easy to judge when you aren’t in someone else’s shoes.” -Miss C.

Miss H. had a rebuttal:

“It’s so easy to say people are judging when they aren’t at all. It’s called sharing ideas.”

Okay, let me get this straight. It isn’t judging when it is blatantly said that another is wrong for going about something in a certain way, and saying how said person should do it? It isn’t judging when another person agrees with condescension?

I would hate to know what it would be like for you to really judge someone. Instead of making remarks that are meant to demean or condescend, offer advice or help. Kindness doesn’t cost anything and doesn’t cause pain. Being kind is not rocket science. It’s called common courtesy.

 

Road Rules

Yesterday, while I was driving home from work, I took note of the many people who don’t know the rules of the road.

For instance, you aren’t supposed to change lanes in an intersection…. and I saw at least four cars doing exactly that. I just shook my head and moved on. There were so many moving violations that I started to laugh to myself about the craziness.

So, when I got to a 4-way stop and no one was moving, it didn’t surprise me. I’m talking to the other drivers, who obviously cannot hear me, and telling them to pull their heads out of insertion. When I finally start driving away from said 4-way stop muttering about being the only person who knows how to drive in this town. I said “I don’t know a thing though, I have only been driving for…” And it hit me just exactly how long I have been driving; 19 years.

Nineteen freaking years! How exactly did that happen??!! There is no way I am that old!!

I was no longer worried about how everyone was driving…

Cost of Living

West Texas is home to many oilfield workers and their families. With the Oil Boom came more workers and more families. We have experienced price increases on everything from food to fuel and beyond.

The most marked of these increases includes rent. The job market is open and flourishing but the housing situation has become dire. Most apartments are not charging any less the $850 a month for a small one bedroom apartment. If one makes oilfield wages, one can most certainly afford this rent.

The problem is just that. Not EVERYONE can afford to pay oilfield prices to survive. There are single moms with degrees that are struggling. There are single dads out there doing their best to support their children and the oilfield jobs are not always conducive to being a single parent. Not everyone has family who can help, or will help.

There are rules that every landlord must follow, though that does not mean they do…

One of these rules is there can only be two people living at a residence per bedroom. If you have one child, you can rent a one bedroom apartment. If you have more than one child you must plan accordingly. So, if one bedroom apartments run over $850 a month, how much can a two bedroom cost? It depends on what area you want to live in. It depends on if you want a yard you can call your own. For an apartment you are looking at a minimum of $1000 a month, and that isn’t in nice neighborhoods. For a house you are looking at a minimum of $1400 a month. Again, location is everything. For a two bedroom in a nice neighborhood, you are looking at $1700 or more for one month.

Imagine a teacher, a policeman, a firefighter, a single mom, etc., trying to make it with these kinds of prices. It is virtually impossible. What happens when our teachers and policemen leave to other cities where they can support their families? What happens when all you have left are people who work in the oilfield and their families?

We are talking catastrophic possibilities. When there is a bust, because the oilfield is not exactly a stable market, what happens to the towns? If everyone who couldn’t afford to live there during the boom left, a bust would make these towns essentially ghost towns. Because oilfield workers will either leave to find work, or they will be dissatisfied with any other job. I’m not saying this is every oilfield worker. But imagine this, you make $2000 or more a week before the bust, and after the bust you are lucky to make $2000 a month. The quality of life seems to change. There isn’t as much money for extras like vacations, boats, trucks, houses, etc.

There has to be a way to help those who don’t make oilfield money to survive during a boom. Because without workers in every position in every company, including grocery stores, there will be a drastic change in the quality of life for everyone.

Charging everyone oilfield prices is greed, plain and simple. Sure, you are making money now but you can’t take it with you when you die. You might have an easy life but it is at the expense of others. Greed will, in the end, be your downfall.

Welcome!

Thank you for coming to my blog! I hope you enjoy reading my posts as much as I enjoy writing them.

This is a blog where I write about current events, life events, and more. There are many things going on today and sometimes you need another perspective, another approach if you will. I am going to provide you with that approach. Many of my topics will be serious and some topics will be completely satirical.

I hope my blog will be a safe place for you to come and escape, but I also hope that you will respect the opinions of the many who comment as well as my opinion as the writer.

I realize that not everyone will find satire funny. I realize that we are a vast people with a vast difference of opinion, and I am not going to cram my views down anyone’s throat. I will respect your opinions so please respect mine.

I will be writing about serious life issues and most of these will not contain satire. We all need to know that someone out there understands what we are going through. There is always someone out there that knows and understands where you have been.

I look forward to hearing from my readers!