Children of Divorce

I think sometimes parents forget that their actions have consequences, and those consequences usually affect the children more than the parents themselves.

I’m not saying that parents should never get divorced. There are always extenuating circumstances that can make divorce the best option. For instance; if the children are being exposed to things they should not be, then it may be time to go your separate ways. This could range from drugs to alcohol abuse to physical or emotional abuse.

If a spouse is abusive in any way toward you, chances are they are also abusive to the children. If you are getting yelled at and your children come out of their room to tell your spouse not to yell at their “mommy” or “daddy” and then they get yelled at for trying to protect you, it may be time to run (or walk away). Sometimes these habits get so ingrained in the abuser that they rarely recognize they are doing it. And if you call them on it, they will deny it. Mainly because they got away with it for so long, they don’t see it is a problem.

Sometimes they witnessed worse abuse as a child and they are convinced that it is not abuse until it reaches the level they witnessed. If you hear “if you want to know what real abuse is, talk to _______”, chances are they won’t ever see their abuse and this means they will probably never change.

Now, if you have already gotten through the divorce, you may think the hard part is over. With an abuser it is never over. And, worse, if custody is shared, the child will face different scenarios that you could never imagine.

1. One parent (or their family) is constantly either badmouthing you or trying to convince your children there is something wrong with you. Telling them that you never do anything with them, or you don’t do enough. Trying to get them to say something bad about you, even if the child is brow-beaten so much that they finally say what the other parent wants them to say.
2. They are being subjected to the unsavory friends that the other parent brings around. They are around constant drinking and drug use. These friends may only come over to drink and smoke weed or whatever the other parent is into. And if the children aren’t watching it, they are being forced to take a four-hour nap or something to keep them from seeing it. (Newsflash they DO see it whether or not precautions are taken.)

There are many more scenarios. These are only two of the serious situations they may face. And maybe you don’t see these as serious, but the impacts on the children could be very serious.

You may see changes in your children, from severe sadness to over the top anger to a standoff-ish nature. Maybe your child begs to not go to the other parent’s house. Maybe your child acts out more than they did before. Sometimes it is easy to blame the situation and look past the behavior instead of delving into the why. As parents it is time for us to step up and quit ignoring the signs that something is seriously wrong.

Maybe divorce was the best thing for you. If it got you out of a bad situation, that is fantastic. If it has torn you apart, I’m truly sorry. Either way it is time to put the children first in everything they need. Whether it be emotional support or for you to actually stop and listen. Put the phone down. Put the hatred for the other parent aside. Listen. Really listen, to what your children have to say. It could be the difference between them pulling through this divorce, or continuously getting caught in the crossfire.

What are your experiences?